When i set out to start a blog, I was rather ambivalent. I usually keep my ramblings in 2 categories : the ones where my emotions get the best of me and leaves me publicly displaying and announcing any opinions, judgments and feelings (not a pretty sight, believe me) and the ones where time has cultivated those opinions/judgments/feelings into something more logical, rational, insightful and honest.
the latter is usually penned in a notebook kept in some secret place, it’s my sanctuary. a place I can always go to remind myself what I have learned in life so far.
the first,I can always trust my closest friends to witness at some point in their lives. (mind you, this is also a highly effective method of selecting who you can name as your friends).
however, due to some circumstances in life (my few surviving friends are now scattered all over the world thus minimizing occasions for rambling No 1 to come forward, and the realities of life has managed to leave me with no time nor energy to produce a fully developed rambling No 2), so I guess I’ll have to somehow combine both.
in line with the theme of uniting two opposites, I have recently observed the two (somewhat) opposing sides of me.
Recently I seem to become the diligent employee, working from 9 to 5 to god knows what hour the office wants me to go home, who chats about trivial things like the latest celeb gossips or the relationship status of miss x and mr y, who shops like hell for frivolously priced so-called ‘fashions’ just because i’m in a bad mood, who compulsively logs into facebook every time I manage to get an internet connection, who like so many others is currently sooo into cupcakes and loves baking it in my free time…
but I always try to remember that somewhere deep inside I’m the night owl who broods during ungodly hours when my body refuses to shut down, who gets a high from staying awake and indulging in conversations until the wee hours of morning, who ponders out loud and is in a constant state of existentialism angst, who enjoys walking solitaire on the streets of Jakarta, who is cynical and skeptical and writes poetry (or prose or whatever it is that I write), who bleeds and screams and laughs through her pen, whose tears fall on paper to become words.
I try to remember what it’s like to feel what I feel and express it honestly and truthfully and not editing it to the convenience of my audience. It may not be socially acceptable, and there are times where such outbursts are not the best thing to resort to, but I miss feeling something in THAT way. feeling anything.
I constantly try to remind myself not to settle. That life still opens many windows for me and that someday I’ll be ready to jump into one of it. That what I do each and everyday is a necessity to be able to sustain myself physically. That my dreams are still just around the corner, waiting for me to catch up…
waiting for me to denounce the nonsense in my transitory life right now
in the meantime though, I’ll be baking cupcakes (and boasting pictures of my beginner’s cupcakes in this blog also… so self indulgent :P)
…thus the blog’s title…